after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
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