Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
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