She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
