just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
