Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Randomize
