I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Pants are for mortals
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