What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
