Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
