so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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