wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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