Even the bartender felt bad for me
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
