you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
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