I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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