We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
