I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
