You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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