Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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