I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
