Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
