Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
