When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
