This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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