I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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