Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
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