Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Brb crying the tears of my youth
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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