I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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