Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
