need another drink. this is the easiest way
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
