I could make wine with my vomit
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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