the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
