Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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