Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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