girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
