new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
