someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
My vagina just recognized that song.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
