WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
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