He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
