I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Mom said you looked used
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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