I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
