tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
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