i was born a porn star she said
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
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