yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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