He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
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