went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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