ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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