So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
we should paint friendship bongs
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
