I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
