an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
