Will you blow on my dice?
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
