He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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