Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Randomize
