I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
