OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
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