I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Randomize
