I think I just saw someone hide a body.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize